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In this blog, I will discuss two of the most common communication issues that couples struggle with. Most importantly, I’ll share ways to approach these problems if you notice them in your relationship.
Start Gently When Discussing Difficult Issues in Your Relationship
First, there is the issue that preeminent couples researcher and therapist, John Gottman, refers to as “harsh start-ups.” A harsh start-up entails communicating with your partner with criticism or an attack. Below is an example:
Harsh start-up: I’m so sick of you talking over me. For once, can you just listen!”
The spouse saying the above statement may have justifiable cause for such frustration with their partner. However, using such a harsh start-up will likely put their partner on the defensive and likely not lead to any change. You can say the same thing more effectively with a gentle start-up.
Gentle start-up: I’m feeling like I am not being heard here. Please let me share this with you without interrupting.
Communication is Key for Successful Couples
To avoid harsh start-ups, some rules of thumb are to start communication with “I” instead of “You,” don’t use superlatives like always and never, to state what the issue is without blame or judgment, and to politely ask for what you would like to be different.
Gentle start-up: I seem to be cleaning the kitchen most days and feel frustrated. We agreed to alternate weeks. I would like for you to be mindful of when it is your week, please.
Couples Counseling Teaches You Effective Communication
Another prevalent issue for married couples or those in committed relationships is trying to have meaningful conversations when emotions are very high. It’s hard to communicate when you are emotional about something. Gottman uses the term “flooding” to describe being emotionally overwhelmed and hijacked by our emotions to the point where cognitive processing is quite limited.
Flooding comes from a common defense mechanism. This is a defense mechanism people may use when the sympathetic nervous system responds, popularly known as “fight or flight.” After the fight/flight response is triggered by a perceived attack, such as a partner using a harsh start-up with us, the thinking brain is relegated to the background. Therefore, you are so upset that you literally cannot think clearly. So, when a person is flooded due to the flight/flight response, a constructive conversation can be nearly impossible.
Take a Time Out
There is an old saying that we “never go to bed angry” or really, do not let issues go undiscussed. Unfortunately, this belief leads couples to believe that delaying conversations is a problem. However, the reality couldn’t be further from the truth. It is far better to wait for flooding and the flight/flight response to calm down before tackling tricky conversations with your partner. You will find that you are more clear-headed, stay calm, and express yourself more gently, compassionately, and effectively.
How do you know when you may be experiencing flooding?
Below are some common signs you & your spouse/partner need a break:
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Feeling flushed (your face/head feels hot)
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Feeling your heartbeat pounding in your chest
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Tingling sensation in your fingers and toes
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Crying
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Feelings of anger or rage
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Feeling like your stomach is in knots
Experiencing flooding? Here’s a quick tip.
The best guidance for couples is to take time-outs when flooding happens. And because flooding can so limit rational thought, I encourage couples to adopt an agreed-upon code word when one or both partners have recognized that flooding has occurred and a break is needed. The code word can simply be “time out” or “code red.”
When a couple adopts a code word, they have agreed to give each other space to recover from the fight/flight response. Using time-outs does NOT mean issues go unaddressed, but instead, they are addressed at times when both partners can be most effective.
During time-outs, each partner is expected to calm down and center themselves. This may sometimes mean taking a break from the conversation overnight to “sleep on it.”
Begin Marriage & Couples Counseling in Tampa or St. Pete today!
Are you and your partner or spouse ready to work on your communication? Do you want to see if your relationship can be saved? I’d love to begin couples &/or marriage therapy with you. You can begin by contacting McNulty Counseling at 727-344-9867!
Are one of you still unsure about starting marriage counseling? Learn about the benefits of couples & marriage counseling, what to expect from couples counseling and how to talk to a partner resistant to marriage counseling on our mental health blog.
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