Dr. Joyce Carter
“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.”
~ Brené Brown
According to recent statistics, 70%-80% of Americans consider their families dysfunctional. It has been proven that family connections are fundamental to our emotional and psychological well-being (Gourani, 2019).
Growing up in a dysfunctional family makes it difficult to recognize what is okay and not okay to tolerate in relationships. It is easy to believe that this dysfunction is normal, and it may feel comfortable to follow this path. At some point in our lives, we may start recognizing anxiety, stress, depression, and other emotions that come up for us when being around our family. Many dysfunctional behaviors repeat through generations; however, it is possible to break the cycle. It takes awareness and the willingness to set firm boundaries (Selve, 2021).
As you maneuver through this, you may also notice difficulty setting the same boundaries with other relationships, such as managers, co-workers, friends, partners, and family. This is also common when you have not learned how to set healthy boundaries when growing up. So, these patterns may transfer into many other areas of your life.
As pointed out by Reed (2021), some characteristics of dysfunctional and toxic people may include acting harsh and critical, not showing concern for your feelings or needs, calling you derogatory names, refusing to compromise with you on anything, always having to be right, making unfair demands on you, rot taking responsibility for their actions /blaming others, rarely saying they’re sorry for something they have done, guilting or lying to get their way, and manipulating or taking advantage of you to gain control and to get what they want.
Adults from dysfunctional families may experience some of the following (Ubaidi, 2017):
- Low self-esteem and uncompassionate judgment of others and themselves.
- Isolated feelings and uneasiness around authority figures.
- Need for approval.
- Intimidated by any situation that includes disagreement or personal criticism.
- Less attracted to healthy, caring people; preferring to have relationships with emotionally detached people or other abuse victims.
- Confusion with roles of responsibility. They may expect others to be responsible for their problems or try to solve others’ problems.
- Feeling guilty when devoting care to themselves or over-caring for others.
- Difficulties with allowing their children to express their feelings.
- Terrified of rejection or feelings of abandonment. Usually, this is seen in dependent personalities so that they may stay in toxic jobs/relationships.
- Feelings of hopelessness and helplessness.
- Having little to no boundaries.
- Having a strong need to be in control; over-reacting in situations of uncontrollable change.
- Acting impulsively before considering alternative behaviors or possible consequences.
As suggested by (Anter & Supportiv, 2021), there are various ways you can care for yourself when dealing with toxic people:
- Limit your time spent with toxic family members.
- Talk with friends you trust.
- Role-play to practice setting boundaries and stating your feelings and needs.
- Find ways to stay regulated (deep breathing, meditation, journaling).
- Become aware of your reactions and break negative patterns.
- Accept the limitations and lack of awareness of your family members and others.
- Learn to identify and express emotions by accepting your feelings without judgment.
- Use productive and healthy ways to vent your anger (art, sports, exercises) rather than self-destructive ways.
- Avoid feelings of shame or guilt when setting boundaries.
- Take responsibility for your happiness and well-being rather than wait for others to give this to you.
- Read educational books that provide strategies for recovering from dysfunctional family effects.
- Talk with a counselor or other professional who can guide you.
Setting boundaries can feel impossible, especially if others are unwilling to respect or honor them. The good news is that you now have the freedom to decide what you will and will not accept in any relationship. When addressing boundaries with others, it may be helpful to state your feelings and needs. Then you can communicate what you will no longer accept. This approach can be unsuccessful with toxic people, so try not to be discouraged when initiating this; just try to be consistent. Setting and sticking with your boundaries is a way to protect yourself from the behaviors of others as well as find strength and confidence in your own self-worth (McQueen, 2021).
References
- Anter, E. & C. B. Supportiv (2021). You don’t have to accept unhealthy behaviors just because it’s your family: How to break dysfunctional patterns with family members. IDONTMIND Journal. Retrieved from: https://idontmind.com/journal/how-to-break-dysfunctional-patterns-with-family-members
- Gourani, S. (2019). What Does Having A “Real” Family Mean?
- McQueen, J. (2021). How to deal with toxic family members. Retrieved from: Dealing With Toxic Family Members (webmd.com).
- Reed, M., Medically reviewed by Michael W. Smith, MD, on April 09, 2021. How to deal with toxic family members. https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/features/handle-toxic-family
- Selva, J. (2021). How to set healthy boundaries: 10 examples + PDF worksheets. https://positivepsychology.com/great-self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/
- Ubaidi, A. (2017). Cost of growing up in a dysfunctional family. Journal of Family Medicine, 3(59). doi.org/10.23937/2469-5793/1510059
